Chicago Tribune Columnist John Kass

www.chicagotribune.com/news/columnists/ct-met-kass-0319-20100318,0,6381054.column chicagotribune.com Chumbolones ready to cry uncle after latest fleecing Couch-surfing Uncle Feds leaves fiscal mark on Charlie and Cindy Chumbolone John Kass 8:02 PM CDT, March 18, 2010 Any day now, Congress in its wisdom might approve (but not actually vote for) President Barack Obama's gargantuan federal health care entitlement that only costs a trillion dollars (but probably a lot more). So it's the perfect time to remember some folks that many — especially our politicians — have forgotten. The Chumbolones. Charlie and Cindy Chumbolone are typical of most Americans you know. Look in the mirror and you'll recognize them immediately. They work hard, they pay their taxes, they live within their means, they give to their church and volunteer in their community. And they take care of Uncle Feds. Uncle Feds sleeps on the couch in the front room. He doesn't work, but he loves to eat and order pay-per-view movies On Demand, the expensive HD kind. He's lived there so long that the Chumbolone children really can't remember when the fat man first plopped down on their mother's upholstery. Uncle Feds isn't really a relative. He's just, well, Uncle Feds, and he has no intention of leaving. "What's with the meatloaf?" Uncle Feds whines at dinner. "Who can eat this stuff? Roast beef is better, and tastier, too. How about a rib roast? Or veal chops?" The Chumbolones at first were shocked that Uncle Feds would demand expensive cuts of meat. But they gave in to shut him up. Meanwhile, the rest of the family ate macaroni for dinner because money was so tight. "Salads and vegetable medley for you children," Uncle Feds would tell the Chumbolone kids. "You don't want to grow up and get too fat. So pass the bread and that beef. It may not be good for you, but it's certainly good for me, heh, heh, heh." Every week or so, the Chumbolones would sit at the kitchen table to study the bills and their budget, to find out where all their money was going. They were horrified when one day they realized Uncle Feds was eating almost half of everything they made. Meanwhile, the air conditioner in Charlie's car was still broken, but he didn't want to spend the $400 to fix it. "I'll just roll the windows down when it gets hot, just like last year," Charlie told Cindy. And Cindy's feet hurt from standing all day at her job. But she wouldn't go to the podiatrist. "Honey, if you don't have air conditioning in your car, I'm certainly not going to pay for a foot doctor," Cindy said. "I'll just soak my feet in Epsom salts and hot water." The Chumbolones had one unbreakable rule about their budget. They'd purchase something only when they had the money to pay for it. "Remember the trouble we got into with the credit cards?" recalled Cindy. "I never want to see a credit card again." One day the Chumbolones spotted Uncle Feds on the street corner behind a card table, slicing dozens of tasty beef roasts for the neighbors, and handing out other goodies. "Your Uncle Feds is so cool," the neighbors said. "He's the most popular guy in town. He gives us all this stuff for free." Charlie grunted that it wasn't exactly free, but the neighbors didn't like the sound of that. They grumbled that Charlie was selfish and rude. "Where did you get the money to pay for all of this, Uncle Feds?" asked Charlie. "We can't afford it anymore. We've got to start cutting back." The neighbors were horrified at this line of questioning. "Uncle Feds can't afford a cut!" they cried. "What's wrong with you, Charlie? Cut Uncle Feds? Are you stupid or what? He can't afford it!" Later, Uncle Feds caught up with Charlie and Cindy (her feet in a pan of water) at the kitchen table with the bills. "You asked me where I got the money?" said Uncle Feds with a wide grin. "I used your credit cards. You weren't using them. So I used them." He explained it was an honorable tradition he learned as a boy in the nation's Capitol. "It's called 'Deem and Pass,'" he said. "I deemed I wanted your credit cards, and I passed the bills on to you." Uncle Feds laughed and laughed, but the Chumbolones had been so numbed by his appetites that they'd forgotten how to get angry. But the air conditioning in Charlie's car was still broken, and Cindy's feet still hurt, and they couldn't afford stuff for the kids, and still Uncle Feds kept ordering expensive movies On Demand and eating roasts and playing Mr. Popular with the neighbors. So finally, the Chumbolones had enough. They told him he just had to cut his spending and they ordered him to help deal with the financial mess they were in. One night, at dinner, Uncle Feds announced that he'd solved all their financial problems. "I knew you could do it," said Cindy. "How?" asked Charlie. "It's simple," said Uncle Feds. "You need money, and I need money, so I just took out another mortgage on your home!" The Chumbolones were stupefied. "How could you do this to us?" cried Cindy. "What makes you think you could put us deeper in debt!" demanded Charlie. As always, Uncle Feds had an answer. "It's because you're Chumbolones," said Uncle Feds. "And the Chumbolones always pay and pay. Didn't you know that?" jskass@tribune.com Copyright © 2010, Chicago Tribune